Starbucks bathroom

I wanted to share a fantastic, Seinfeldesqe observation by Bill Simmons that he just randomly interjected in one of his columns. Enjoy.

"By the way, I'm writing a big chunk of this column in a Starbucks that always has a bizarre older customer sitting at the biggest table near the front door, almost like it's an office or something. There's a 95-percent chance he's completely insane because he spends the time crumpling and uncrumpling pieces of paper, making phone calls to people who might not be real and reading the same page of the same book for hours on end. (OK, maybe it's a 99.9 percent chance.) I have never been to this Starbucks and NOT seen Crazy Guy at that table.

Anyway, as I was typing the last question, I noticed him grab a New York Times from the newspaper rack, pull off the front section, then head over to the bathroom, go in and shut the door. Horrifying, right? So about five minutes pass, and I'm typing away, and finally a female customer walks over there, realizes the bathroom is locked, and decides to wait for the door to open. Another five minutes pass, and a third customer joins her, and some more time passes, and now they're exchanging looks like, "My God, I wonder what's going on in there?" Around the 15-minute mark, there's a flush. About 45 seconds later, the door opens and Crazy Guy comes out holding the Times.

I'm telling you this story for two reasons:

1. You know someone has logged too much time in the same Starbucks when he feels totally comfortable grabbing a newspaper, hanging out in the bathroom for 20 minutes and walking out in front of multiple people with that same newspaper. It's the final stage. It's like getting to fourth base with Starbucks.

2. When the guy walked out with the paper, the female customer who had been patiently waiting for 10 minutes immediately turned into Jerry Jones after Romo's final interception in the Giants game. She didn't move, she didn't flinch -- she just stared straight ahead and tried not to have an aneurysm. And I'm sitting here thinking, "I wish time could stop right now because I'd love to wager on this with the two baristas and offer them 2-to-1 odds that she says 'Screw it' and doesn't go in there." But she took a deep breath and waded in there. The entire sequence was incredible. And you wonder why I write in public places."